r/funny 8d ago

the Bible summed up Rule 3 – Removed

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10.1k Upvotes

u/Funny_Sentinel 8d ago

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Please read our complete rules page before participating in the future.

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u/Owls5262 8d ago Heartwarming

You haven’t read it if you think those two statements sum up up the bible.

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u/alexagente 8d ago

Right? Like I appreciate the sentiment, but this is not even close to true.

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u/PrisonerV 8d ago

After Moses came down from the mountain, he found his people worshiping the golden cow of Bal. And he gathered his brother (who by the way, was the main "let's worship Bal" guy) and he said we will kill every other Hebrew man.

And they went through camp, killing three thousand Hebrew men.

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u/BrightPerspective 8d ago

In highschool, they showed us the 1960's version of the story, where he melted the cow down and fed the molten gold to the cow worshippers.

Moses was a piece of shit.

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u/Freethecrafts 8d ago

Sure, I bet they “slew” or beat the hell out of them.

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u/LineChef 8d ago

Jesus!

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u/bl4nkSl8 8d ago

How dare you take the Lord's name in vain! /jk

Die heathen /jk

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u/FaithIsFoolish 8d ago

Exactly what I was going to say

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u/tjtillmancoag 8d ago

Came here expecting to see a comment along these lines as the top comment. Was not disappointed

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u/kinokomushroom 8d ago

These were the exact words that popped into my head. 5/7 would predict comments again.

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u/Truckaduckduck 8d ago

The story of Lot was absolutely just about being cool. Nothing controversial at all.

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u/MattieShoes 8d ago

Was that the whole "rape my daughters if you want, just leave me alone" one?

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u/Hartastic 8d ago

I think he also gets drunk and knocks his daughters up? Unless I'm mixing up stories now.

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u/Blood_in_the_ring 8d ago

You telling me you don't like the genocide of babies and dogs?

Kids these days.

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u/quirkyhotdog6 8d ago

In fact, Yahweh routinely rewards Jews who display what I can only describe as “asshole behavior”, David and Solomon in particular come to mind.

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u/A1sauc3d 8d ago

That’s more the New Testament/Jesus vibe than the Old Testament/Moses vibe lol

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u/AMEFOD 8d ago

Well if you ignore the table flipping, whip swinging, tree cursing, mass pig slaughter and such events where he put someone in their place.

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u/sulris 8d ago

Exactly what I was going to say too!

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u/kbergstr 8d ago edited 6d ago

The beatitudes, maybe.

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u/ObamaDramaLlama 8d ago

Yeah you can make an argument Jesus was like this but not the rest of the Bible.

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u/sentientplatypus 8d ago

Yep, God in genesis is pretty much the exact opposite of “cool and not an asshole”

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u/MoreGaghPlease 8d ago

Well, which God in Genesis?

The God of Genesis 1 is a storm god, a distant and unknowable presence that brings order to the chaos in the manner of the Mesopotamian pantheon -- but does it, instead of with a battle royale, with words.

The God of Genesis 2 has more of an 'old man in the garden' vibe

The God who first covenants with Abraham takes on the role of the suzerain (feudal lord), with a covenant that takes the same legal for as Hittite Suzerainty Treaties.

But the God who has a relationship with Abraham is almost like his peer - and can be bargained with. This God can have his mind changed, getting negotiated down on the number of good people necessary to save Sdom and Amora.

The God of the Joseph's little novella at the end of the book is like a purveyor of parlour tricks, giving magic visions of the future.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Genesis is written over the course of 400+ years and consolidates multiple traditions. For reasons not known to us today, Genesis' final generations of editors (Jewish priestly scribes living Babylonia and Persia about 2,400 years ago) were super comfortable letting these contradictions stand side-by-side with each other (even if it meant telling two versions of the same story one after the other with a totally different characterization of God, as is the case for their account of the creation myth)

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u/NedRyerson_Insurance 8d ago

A lot Some of the new testament and the things Jesus did and said fit this. But the old testament, where the commandments came from, has a disturbing amount of dad-screwing and God smiting the shit out of people.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/alexagente 8d ago

He also often draws authority from precepts of the old testament.

The idea that Jesus was a revolutionary is false. He spoke against corruption, yes but his role wasn't to change the meaning of scripture but rather reaffirm what is truly sacred.

Modern Christians want so badly to divorce themselves of the Old Testament but then can't explain why it's included in their scripture.

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u/doc_daneeka 8d ago

The idea that Jesus was a revolutionary is false. He spoke against corruption, yes but his role wasn't to change the meaning of scripture but rather reaffirm what is truly sacred.

Indeed:

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

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u/alexagente 8d ago

Thank you for providing the receipts. I will admit much of my conclusions came from my limited experience with "his teachings". I'm surprised and delighted that there are such express quotes that confirm my suspicions.

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u/whyd_you_kill_doakes 8d ago

Matthew 5:17-19 is my favorite verse regarding the Old Testament:

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

I have never received a logical explanation as to why we can disregard Old Testament laws when Jesus explicitly said not to. Earth is still here. Not everything has come to pass. All has not been fulfilled.

So we should be stoning drunk sons, promiscuous daughters, people that eat shellfish, people that wear mixed fabrics, and so many more.

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u/alexagente 8d ago

Exactly. If the divine has such authority why has there been such measurable change as to what is acceptable?

Either divine law is mutable, which means traditional interpretation is pointless, or the expression of religion has been so disingenuous for centuries that it has lost all credibility.

The fact that anyone respects such an institution as an authority is absurd.

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u/whyd_you_kill_doakes 8d ago

People value (mental) comfort over truth. It's as simple as that.

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u/DoobieBrotherhood 8d ago

A little of both. Jesus goes from saying that not a single word shall be changed to blatantly disobeying the direct orders of the Torah. He hates hypocrites, but he himself is a bit of a hypocrite (if you take every word seriously — it’s more likely that the different writers of the gospels had different ideas about the importance of Jewish Law).

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u/benefit_of_mrkite 8d ago

Jesus said nothing of the sort (I’m agnostic).

Paul said “slaves obey your masters” and “masters treat your slaves justly.”

If there are rules about how to beat slaves they are likely in the Old Testament

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u/whyd_you_kill_doakes 8d ago

Uhhhh

Luke 12:47-48 47 “And a servant who knows what the master wants, but isn’t prepared and doesn’t carry out those instructions, will be severely punished. 48 But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

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u/demiurgemoore 8d ago

Most people who've read the Bible haven't read the Bible. King James is history's greatest charlatan.

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u/alexagente 8d ago

When the vast majority of the institution of the religion has been twisted and accepted among its followers I just can't lend credence to any original intention or interpretation argument.

If the truth of God can be so easily undermined then I don't really understand why I should worship him.

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u/JakeVanderArkWriter 8d ago

The problem is that the religions have only been twisted toward the positive. The holy books themselves are absolutely wicked on every level. I often think that Westboro Baptist members are the only people who actually take the Bible seriously.

That doesn’t mean I like religious institutions… only that the holy books are worse.

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u/alexagente 8d ago

Fair enough.

It does lend to my argument. Modern Christianity seems to want to absolve themselves of the cruelty of their religion without doing the work.

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u/MoreGaghPlease 8d ago

Right, if I had to describe the Hebrew bible in two sentences it would be:

  • Monotheism of the people and their king is a predictor of divine reward and punshiment

  • Plant and animal sacrifices are only permitted in the designated place

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u/OlderThanMyParents 8d ago

In fairness, King James didn't do the translation. He comissioned it, in hope that people reading the Bible themselves would enable them to live better lives.

The composition of the King James version of the Bible is actually pretty interesting, it's probably the world's only example of a work of art created by a committee. They got a lot of stuff wrong, because they had imperfect source material to work with, but it was still a remarkable effort. "God's Secretaries" is an interesting account of the story.

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u/Hartastic 8d ago

Didn't King James make it to get the Church off his back about being gay?

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u/UroutofURelement 8d ago

Hey be cool to your slaves. Or don't. They're your slaves. Just don't beat them too hard

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u/voidsong 8d ago

Summon bears to kill 42 children because they called you bald?

Send your lady friend out to be raped to death by a horny mob?

Ruin a loyal supporter's entire life on a bet?

Instructions on who you can enslave and how much you should sell your daughter for?

You can find all this and more in the "good book"!

...But lets be real, readers aren't exactly their target demographic. Oddly enough, most of their actual demographic would probably love most of that horrible shit, if only they could read.

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u/AdventureBum 8d ago

It’d be nice if they did.

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u/Glendalerian 8d ago

Maybe. It should be. So uncool these days.

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u/FemboyJosieLee 8d ago

More accurate summarizing would be "Omnipotent God somehow needs to emotionally manipulate and abusively test followers to make sure they're still loyal to God"

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u/ron-darousey 8d ago

Most people on here who talk about what the Bible says haven't read it lol

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u/Tearakan 8d ago

You really need to actually read the bible......

It definitely doesn't say that even in a metaphorical sense.

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u/Theamazingchan 8d ago

Ironically, if “Be cool. Don’t be a dick” replaced the actual Bible, it would instantly become a morally superior document

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u/scotland42 8d ago

It's Dudeism in a nutshell

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u/CallMeJase 8d ago

So Satanism?

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u/Blitzsturm 8d ago

The people that believe the bible the most, are peopel that have never read the bible.

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u/StopReadingMyUser 8d ago

peopel are a different breed, we don't talk about them

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u/drunk_funky_chipmunk 8d ago

Yeah that’s not the message in the Bible my dude

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u/ordinary_kittens 8d ago

“C’mon Abraham, be cool and just sacrifice your son Isaac. Don’t be a dick about it.” - God, probably

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u/ZDTreefur 8d ago

"lol jk it was just a prank bro"

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u/jgilz 8d ago

‘You know, like trying to steal someone’s luggage at the airport for likes’

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u/Baum_Hund 8d ago

That story always bugged the shit outta me. People play mind games with you like that in this era and their ass is dropped faster than a sack of shit.

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u/dandanthebaconman 8d ago

More like “do as I say or get fucked”

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u/talrich 8d ago

When we read “the Bible as literature” in high school, my English teacher summed up Genesis & Exodus as, “if you go against God, you get hammered!”

Pretty hilarious to hear in the guy’s New York Italian accent.

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u/Grizzlysol 8d ago

Like vodka hammered or tequila hammered?

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u/talrich 8d ago

I don’t know. What is “transformed into a pillar of salt for looking”? Probably tequila. That involves salt, right? I guess I learned something.

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u/AgrajagTheProlonged 8d ago

Either and/or both. Getting hammered by a literal hammer is an option also

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u/jcbolduc 8d ago

Sometimes you're fucked even if you do as he says. The abrahamic god is, per its own creation myth, the literal source of all evil in existence, and even worse, the creator of the sheer POSSIBILITY of evil being a thing.

The god of the bible makes the Lovecraftian mythos look kind and caring.

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u/AgrajagTheProlonged 8d ago

The Abrahamic god made the pharaoh unwilling to let that god’s supposedly chosen people go even though he himself charged his representative with going to ask the pharaoh to let the supposedly chosen people go which gave the god a convenient excuse to be a massive asshole and kill a bunch of people to punish the pharaoh for doing something that the god made him do. That mythology makes it seem like they might be worshiping the wrong deity

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u/Temporary-Leather-52 8d ago

How many times did Pharaoh decide to let them go but God "hardened his heart" to prevent it? Just bizarre.

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u/AgrajagTheProlonged 8d ago

So much pointless effort and suffering because the god was doing incomprehensible things

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u/wazzel2u 8d ago

Not even remotely close.

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u/anonymous_stranger12 8d ago

"The lord, the lord Jehovah has given unto you these 15." crash "Oy, 10. 10 commandments for all to obay."

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/CapitalKing530 8d ago edited 8d ago

Looks like he savagely wrecked his skateboard from the picture. TIL Moses shreds hard. Parted it like the Red Sea and shit.

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u/TheMarkHasBeenMade 8d ago

And that was back when skateboards were made of marble; Moses shreds that hard

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u/Bat-Honest 8d ago

He turned the red sea into a half pipe then landed a siiiiiick 900 spin

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u/cipher-taker 8d ago

you should see his christ air, he held it for like three days

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u/CapitalKing530 8d ago

Christian Hosoi in shambles.

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u/kkehoe5 8d ago

The trucks snapped off too.

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u/TatchM 8d ago

Eh, I believe it was because of the worshiping of idols and attributing to the idols what was the work of God. Which they were explicitly told not to do.

He gave them a chance to repent, and then killed 3000 people who did not. Pretty brutal nonetheless.

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u/its_a_metaphor_morty 8d ago

He didn't give them the commandments before he did this. Further to this he didn't give them a choice. he had the levites murder 3000 people. He spared his own brother though because 'reasons'. Moses was a garden variety genocidal warlord cult leader. "repenting' to him would be like repenting to Jim Jones at his most fucked up.

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u/jurgenHeros 8d ago

Yep, and that same tribe enslaved little girls to be treated as wives, and killed the rest

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u/its_a_metaphor_morty 8d ago

Correct. pretty much just before he gave them these commandments.

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u/themightysnail64 8d ago

"NOBODY HAS MORE FUN THAN ME!!! NOBODY!!!!!!!" -Moses apparently-

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u/ProotzyZoots 8d ago

The only two important and true commandments are

  1. Be excellent to eachother

  2. Party on dudes

air guitar strum

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u/Bostonterrierpug 8d ago

Dust…wind…dude…

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u/Scooby_Doo420 8d ago

San Dimas High School football rules!!!

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u/DungeonsandDevils 8d ago

Lmao that is not the entirety of the Bible. You’re skipping a lot of messed up and weird stuff

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u/Call_Me_At_8675309 8d ago

Like how to treat your slave properly (it’s ok to beat if not dead in a few days) in exodus. How to not enslave your own people but make slaves of other tribes…etc.

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u/RyokoKnight 8d ago

Elijah and the two bears is my favorite personally.

Bald prophet gets made fun of for being bald by a group of kids/teens... and for this sin... God sends 2 bears to kill and eat the kids/teens.

Its just such a petty story that shows how "merciful" the God of the bible is.

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u/Call_Me_At_8675309 8d ago edited 8d ago

What about Lot’s daughters that get their dad drunk and rape him to get pregnant? That’s some hot incest right out of the gate in genesis.

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u/RyokoKnight 8d ago

no no its okay because... (insert excuse for incest here).

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u/Gulf_Sailor 8d ago

If you can’t find one good man in a city, it should probably get nuked.

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u/Chester2707 8d ago

Yeah. Except it’s not a lot. It’s all of it. It’s all weird and disturbing.

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u/MackenziePace 8d ago

The old testament literally has genocide, rape, slavery, and god telling you he will only love you if you mutilate your son's genitals. That is not what the whole book says lol

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u/MommersHeart 8d ago

Tell everyone you haven’t read the bible without telling everyone you haven’t.

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u/dimmu1313 8d ago

definitely not an accurate synopsys of the bible

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/KriegerClone02 8d ago Evil Cackle

They got the "don't" on the wrong side.

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u/_Erin_ 8d ago

"...and suffer eternal torture if you don't."

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u/velifer 8d ago edited 8d ago

And also kill people who are doing their jobs well. God fucked over a teamster so hard David was pissed at him, and it made the Bible twice:

2 Samuel 6:3-6 and 1 Chronicles 13:7-11

3 They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart 4 with the ark of God on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it. 5 David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before the Lord, with castanets, harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals.

6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. 7 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

Fuck that noise. Who would worship this asshole?

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u/SagaciousElan 8d ago

So the oxen stumbled, which probably jolted the cart and the Ark would have fallen off into the dirt and maybe been damaged except the cart driver reached out and held it in place and for this transgression God decided he should be punished with immediate death?

If anybody who touches this thing, even for good reasons, is killed instantly it kind of makes me wonder how they managed to get it on the cart in the first place.

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u/Dark_Believer 8d ago

I've heard people mention this scripture calling those that criticize church leaders as "Ark Steadiers". This story teaches us a valuable lesson to revere and blindly obey existing church authorities regardless of what appears to be common sense. God doesn't want us to use our own judgement, but instead to follow his priests and prophets unquestioningly.

We can only we truly happy if we give up all decision making to His great leaders. Of course you have to pick the right leaders, and since Southpark revealed it, we know that the answer is Mormons, yes Mormons is the correct answer.

Edit: I hope people can read my sarcasm, but I'm adding this just in case.😋

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u/oneplusetoipi 8d ago

The Ten Commandments can be summed up as two commandments:

  1. Believe in only the Hebrew God
  2. Treat other people like you would want to be treated

#nolongerabeliever

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u/eddie964 8d ago

Would have been nice if He had cut one of the four Commandments instructing followers about how to worship and snuck in something about not raping people. Also, Thou Shalt Boil Thy Water Before Drinking would have saved us all a lot of pain and heartache.

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u/eightiesladies 8d ago

Can't have a commandment against raping people if you're condoning and even ordering it in other verses.

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u/Unindoctrinated 8d ago

My favourite one is "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.".

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u/SagaciousElan 8d ago

Yup, if you're going to boil a baby goat in milk, the Lord commands that it be the milk of some other goat unrelated to the baby goat you intend to boil.

Truly wisdom for the ages to guide all mankind.

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u/Christ_votes_dem 8d ago

“If two Israelite men get into a fight and the wife of one tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the testicles of the other man, you must cut off her hand."

tell me some bronze age male incel wrote this without telling me a btonze age male incel wrote this

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u/SagaciousElan 8d ago

True and also tell me bronze age women had a preferred fighting tactic without telling me bronze age women had a preferred fighting tactic.

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u/BostonUniStudent 8d ago

There goes my weekend plans.

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u/astroneer01 8d ago

There are multiple versions of the ten commandments, and this first one where you couldn't boil a goat in it's mother's milk is objectively the funniest

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u/AdventureBum 8d ago

Also no mixing fabrics.

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u/y0nm4n 8d ago

This is one of the laws that does make some sense.

There’s a certain level of cruelty in cooking a mother’s child in her milk.

(Also that isn’t one of the Ten Commandments)

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u/Azair_Blaidd 8d ago

it is one of the 613 commandments from which the Ten Commandments are taken

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u/Porrick 8d ago

What a pity they were instead written how they were actually written, then. Two about coveting, none about slavery.

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u/ProDigit 8d ago

Jesus summed it up as:

Love God above everything,

And

Love others like you love yourself.

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u/Formal-Eggplant-6066 8d ago

Correct my guy

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u/DomStud 8d ago

What about commandments 11-15?

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u/MrmmphMrmmph 8d ago

and then wait for instructions from God how you should kill everyone who doesn’t do these things, or if they’re not the chosen ones (like Anikan , for example)

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u/82ndGameHead 8d ago

Hey, we've done everything the bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

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u/oscar-the-bud 8d ago

And don’t forget to give us 10% of your income,or more, before you leave today. For Christ’s sake, you took a shot of wine AND ate a Jeezit.

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u/stupidcatname 8d ago

Haha! Jeezit!

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u/ArtisticAd8465 8d ago

Stone rape victims.

This guy was old testament. No, I can't remember his name. For some reason I keep on wanting name the prophet Muhammad but like.. I legit can't remember.

Sure do remember reading Deuteronomy tho. Never forget that.

No God that cruel is worthy of worship real or not. That fucker is real? I'm getting up there and punching him in the dick.

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u/LostInTheWildPlace 8d ago

Moses?

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u/ArtisticAd8465 8d ago

Hell yeah. The beard himself.

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u/bad-judgement 8d ago

Don't forget the genocides and slavery. Important aspects

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/c5corvette 8d ago

And it's OK to beat your slaves but only if they don't die within a few days. If they make it a week you're golden, let the beatings continue. The bible sums up current conservatism pretty well actually!

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u/fried_eggs_and_ham 8d ago

Whomever made this has not read the Bible.

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u/Shopping-Afraid 8d ago

"Be excellent to each other."

  • Bill S. Preston, Esq.

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u/Voyager5555 8d ago

That is 100% not what the bible says.

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u/sylinen 8d ago

okay, but which one does "don't eat pork" fall under?

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u/bananastandforsale 8d ago

Yeah.. if only that was actually the case

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u/pwalkz 8d ago

Uhhh you're missing a lot of the bible then lol

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u/iCanHazUsrnm 8d ago

Maybe parts of the 2nd testament. Old testament was like "oh you didn't listen to the magical voice in the sky, then die muthafucka"

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u/mazinaru 8d ago

Or do listen to the voice and get fucked anyway because he got drunk and bet someone he could fuck you up and get away with it. Or listen to the voice and decide your child's heart needs a knife through it.

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u/Bat-Honest 8d ago

2nd testamunt SHALL NUT BE INFRINJED!

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u/Scubastevedisco 8d ago

The old testament is exactly why if God exists and I go to heaven I am going to fucking rake God's ass over the coals for some of that insane shit. Assuming it's not all just made up crap from crazy, stupid people thousands of years ago.

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u/Scubastevedisco 8d ago

Other great lessons include

  • Porking your brother's widow
  • Killing 1st borns
  • Sending bears to maul a group of teens making fun of baldness
  • Turning people to pillars of salt for looking at stuff
  • We are all evil pieces of shit who are born with sin

Isn't the bible lovely?

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u/RustedRuss 8d ago

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen porking used that way

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u/Scubastevedisco 8d ago

How can you tell I'm in my 30s? lol

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u/Extrontale 8d ago

My personal favourite of the oh so holy Bible is that basically all of the atrocities and human rights abuses we yell at [Muslims] for are verbatim in the old testament.
You have to marry a girl you rape, cut off a thieves hands etc etc etc.

Yeah, book of love and forgiveness my ass.

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u/GuestCartographer 8d ago

⁠Sending bears to maul a group of teens making fun of baldness

I mean… that doesn’t seem unfair…

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u/Scubastevedisco 8d ago

Words only hurt if you let them hurt my man.

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u/Mangar1 8d ago

Actually, that's the Satanic Temple summed up. The Bible is mostly arbitrary oppression, genocide, and internecine disagreements about who the Jesus dude was, with some nice bits you could put on a t-shirt and pretend was the whole message.

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u/Scubastevedisco 8d ago

It's funny how people ignore all the absolutely horrible shit in the bible because there's some good bits in there too.

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u/Just_Grass_8056 8d ago

Because people don’t actually READ the Bible. They regurgitate the same tired bullshit that is preached at church. The whole point is to not question shit and smile and nod and sing and PRAYYYYYYY. Fuck organized religion to hell.

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u/Pedalsndirt 8d ago

Be excellent to each other. Party on dudes.

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u/ScucciMane 8d ago

Woah

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u/the_original_Retro 8d ago

I have two pills...

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u/sanguiniuswept 8d ago

They're both Viagra. Let's rock.

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u/crazyrich 8d ago

I was told not to take more than one? OH!

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u/joan_wilder 8d ago

Whoa

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u/ScucciMane 8d ago

If you’re really us, what number are we thinking of?

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u/twsddangll 8d ago

Murder everyone I don’t like. And their fucking cows.

There. Fixed it.

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u/missquit 8d ago

Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick

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u/Jackflack42 8d ago

Not really a good summation. The New Testament, maybe. The Bible, no.

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u/IdlyCurious 8d ago

Not really a good summation. The New Testament, maybe. The Bible, no.

Not even the New Testament, but to specifically use the Old Testament imagery of stone tablets have it say that - nope, nope nope.

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u/GsTSaien 8d ago

Actually the bible has detailed instructions about how to be an asshole...

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u/justcallmetexxx 8d ago

everyone has different definitions of what being "cool" or what being an "asshole" means though

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u/Rabble4fun 8d ago

This is actually far from what the Bible says. It’s says a bunch of really fucked to things that I don’t recommend people follows what you are showing is what it should have said.

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u/Anut__ 8d ago

“Don’t be an asshole”

Kills everyone on earth for having different beliefs

Nukes a city for worshipping other gods

Kills 42 children for making fun of a bald man

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u/ExplainJane 8d ago

Be excellent to each other

and

Party on dudes!!!!!

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u/trombone28 8d ago

Tell me you haven't read the bible without telling me you haven't read the bible

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u/garlopf 8d ago

I read the bible and quran cover to cover. They are just a collection of mad ramblings by a collection of random characters from history. Anyone that take those books seriously are likely to have mental issues, or at least a deficiency in reality perception.

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u/tanbug 8d ago

Smart people can belive dumb things. Brains are funny that way.

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u/kawaiineko333 8d ago

Tablet 1: Be Excellent to Each Other.

Tablet 2: Party On, Dudes.

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u/TorePun 8d ago

this is just anti-intellectualism

but hey I realize I'm posying in r/funny of all places

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u/hoyfkd 8d ago

That sound like some woke stuff there.

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u/circle_logic 8d ago

Also a bunch of stories showing God to be an asshole doing pranks on his faithful for gits and shiggles.

God loves you very much, you provide him with endless amount of entertainment.

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u/phi2134 8d ago

Not the Bible at all....there is no hate greater than Christian love

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u/brutalduties 8d ago

Tell that to the "Christians ".

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u/imooforyou 8d ago

More of a Jesus preached than Bible. Bible's got lots of murder and servitude or die type shit all over it. Also just a bunch of weird rules that modern Christians cherry pick as rules to follow.

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u/JHFTWDURG 8d ago
  1. Thou shalt always be faithful to the provider of ones nookie.

  2. Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anybody, unless of course they prey to a different invisible man than you do.

  3. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thy self.

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u/cjcosmo 8d ago

Gospel of Saint Carlin

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u/PaladinKAT 8d ago

I am trying to find anything in this post, or comments that is funny

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u/Sighwtfman 8d ago

I kind of feel like OP has not, in fact, read the Bible...

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u/NorthImpossible8906 8d ago

that's not what the USA bible says.

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u/Affectionate-Spite82 8d ago

I wish Christians were capable of this lmao

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u/Capable-Problem-9276 8d ago

It is not written in English or for a post-industrial society, though neither would be possible without it.

I suggest reading with an interlinear text, an Aramaic dictionary, a Greek dictionary, and to try and put yourself in the mind of an agrarian pre-enlightenment person.

Write the words and stories on the stone tablets of your thinking meat, comprehend and understand them in your heart... in your feeler of feels.

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u/jizzlevania 8d ago

Someone failed out of Yeshiva

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u/Murderyoga 8d ago

Numbers 31-Moses instructed the soldiers to kill all women who had ever had sex with a man, and to keep the women and girls who were still virgins for themselves.

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u/bad_take_ 8d ago

You forgot the part where God commands the Israelites to go to the Amelikites and kill every man, woman, child and animal. And then God got mad at them because they saved some of the best animals for themselves instead of just killing them. But yeah, go on about how the Bible teaches us to not be an asshole.

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u/flogginmama 8d ago

This might be the single dumbest Reddit post I’ve seen in years. And that says a lot

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u/Monteze 8d ago

Uhhh you don't have to be an ""edgy atheist"""' to know that statement is bunk.

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u/Tandysaurus 8d ago

Average Christian who has never actually read the Bible.

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u/Wickedocity 8d ago

Old Testament God was a psycho. New Testament was on decent meds.

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u/TAU_equals_2PI 8d ago

Fun Fact: Some early Christian sects actually believed the New Testament God was a different God, and that the Old Testament God was evil, or maybe Satan. Christianity could have easily developed very differently if those sects had won out.

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u/IdlyCurious 8d ago

Fun Fact: Some early Christian sects actually believed the New Testament God was a different God

Marcionism? I don't think any of them hold any water (atheist), but there's some interesting political and philosophical competition. Actually, reading an analysis on (very speculative) beliefs on how the Old Testament was was woven together from different books, with different political players jockeying for political power and trying to diminish the power of other groups was more interesting to me.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

Bible summed up

Old Testament:

1)God is an asshole

2)Do what he says or get smited

New Testament:

1)None of that applies because Jesus

2)Be like him

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u/eyehate 8d ago

1)None of that applies because Jesus

Matthew 5:18

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u/TheSmokingHorse 8d ago

But first he has to be nailed to some wood and left to die in agony.

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u/brunji 8d ago

“Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?”

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u/TatchM 8d ago

Based on the number of dicks, apparently a lot of people.